Redemption from the Web of Addiction - Part 10

My junior and senior years of college were a time of God’s grace in many ways. I began leading worship on a regular basis, I led small groups and I mostly stayed away from any kind of physical intimacy with women.

God was teaching me and growing me despite my repeated failures with addiction to pornography. That addiction hadn’t become the ‘web’ of lies it would grow into, primarily because no one asked me about purity--and I wasn’t volunteering any information.

I had Christian community and friends, but like many communities and churches, there was not a lot of depth. No one really talked about their struggles in life until they had already successfully dealt with them. I won’t get on my soapbox about the importance of an Acts 2 type community of believers, but I will say it’s one of the most important pillars of the Christian faith. If you read any of  our past blogs, you will see it again and again. It is one of the primary reasons we are in a bus living the gospel of Jesus.

There was one relationship, during the latter half of college, where the devil really got a foothold in my life. This “root” would have an affect on me for years to come. We never really dated, but I was good friends with a Godly woman for nearly two years. When I finally got enough courage to tell her about my struggles with pornography, she graciously prayed for me. However, within a month, she called it quits on any friendship or relationship. I honestly don’t blame her one bit! She was right to get out and knew that the healing I needed would not come through her. 

I felt like I had lost my best friend. God showed me many years later that this was where the real root of fear began in connection with pornography. It was this fear of rejection that would keep me from sharing things with my wife in the future. 

Fear of failure and fear of rejection can be some of the strongest forces in our lives… if we let them. Although this event was a root for the devil to get into my life and my heart, Jesus is always greater! Always. I fed that root again and again through my actions and decisions, and it continued to grow. I believed lies and fears more than I believed God. I chose to stay bound up by living a lie. My pride and my fears ruled me and yet, God’s grace abounded in my life.

As I finished my last semester, I was hired by a local church to run their college ministry. I also was the assistant youth director and served on the worship team. I knew my calling was to serve the Lord and serve others, but I had a hidden secret and I would let no one into it. I was a captive in a web of my own making. I created my own prison

One year later I met my wife at a college ministry retreat. And there starts the REAL story!