I had pretty much given up on meeting my future wife. I had heard so many stories, including how my parents met, and how people found their significant others in college. I unknowingly grew up believing I would meet my wife in college. 

Well, college came and went and no wife… not even a girlfriend. However, God was calling me, and I was trying to answer. I threw myself into serving the Lord at my local church. It was 2001, and although I had been raised going to church, I had no idea what serving at a local church meant. I made $14,400/year and I was happy!

I loved college and worship ministry. My dream was to get paid to lead worship. In fact, if any church would have paid me to lead worship, I would have jumped at the chance (an interesting side note is that over 10 years later a church did offer and I turned it down… I had learned the gospel is never about money, among other things. That’s a story for another time!).

In the fall of 2002, everything changed. The first week in October, I took a dozen or so students to a college ministry retreat. It’s funny, well… not at the time, how God show’s up when you’ve given up. I had really given up on meeting a woman to share my life with. I didn’t think about it that much anymore and I didn’t date.

On October 4, 2002, I walked in a room filled with college students. I saw Mary for the first time from across the room and literally said, “Wow!”, out loud. I was awestruck. She was beautiful… and I was too shy to even approach her.

I remember that first night. She was worshiping the Lord with passion, and I it was all over for me!

Let me tell you all something really important. You want to be "ready" when you meet your future spouse. I don't mean you have to be perfect, but if you have a glaring sin issue like pornography or masturbation in your life, get help. You never know when it'll happen, and looking back, I wish I had been more ready. 

There are significant things that need to be worked through when you are newlyweds or even engaged. Pornography shouldn't be one of them. It was in my life, and now I was dragging someone else into it.

The culmination of my high school years would end in the ‘96-’97 school year.  I was involved in everything I could be: basketball, track, band, choir, acting, etc. God was working through all of it, even in the area of women.

I had met a girl at Bible camp during the summer that really loved God. It was the first person in my life (my age) that really loved the Lord and I was attracted to that devotion. We only went on two dates, but from then on, I really knew I wanted to marry a woman that was sold out for Jesus.

High school ended, we broke up and I was off to UND, the biggest university in the state. I kind of always assumed I would find my future wife in college.  I heard my parents’ story so many times of how God brought them together. So, I expected my freshman year to be one of finding my soulmate.

I didn’t, in fact, I didn’t even go on one date. It may have had something to do with always wearing a $6 leather jacket from a thrift store (that I still have) and being attached to a guitar. Or, maybe it was that I had long hair and an ever changing beard and sideburn trim. Whatever the case, God kept me from any type of relationship that year.

I got involved running and setting up sound with a church plant that started at a bar. I loved it and felt a part of the band. I also got involved in Campus Crusade for Christ, and for the first time in my life, was living near and getting to know a hundred or more christians my age.

It was an amazing time, but something else was taking off… the internet.

Although the internet has changed the world in many ways for the better, it’s also brought pornography to us with the touch of a button.

The university had huge computer labs (because computers were expensive) where any student could use a computer, but that kind of stuff was pretty well blocked. Unfortunately, one of the four guys I shared a bathroom with in the dorms had a computer.

It was like a gateway into temptation.  We spent countless hours playing games like Quake and Warcraft. We chatted with people all over the world, and we had direct access to pornography.

It was way too easy. Before, it was a temptation, but for the most part you couldn’t act on that temptation. Now, it was a few keystrokes and you were there: Countless sites, countless women, and all being objectified and lusted after by countless men.

When I think about where I was at spiritually, it’s so sad.  I was really pressing into God, but my addiction was separate from that.  It’s like I was saying, “God you can have it all… except this part.” I knew it was wrong, but I was developing a cycle where I’d come back to it like a dog coming back to its vomit (Proverbs 26:11).  

I was a fool. I justified my addiction. I made excuses. I didn’t get help, and really didn’t see the need for it. In many respects, I was lost. I would not bring my sin into the light, and so it grew bigger, worse, closer to death. My heart was stone and yet, God was walking with me all the way.

He was pursuing me. He loved me, and deep down in my soul I knew that. Then came Sophomore year...

​

I know I know... I have missed WAYYYY too many posts. We bought a bus that needs A LOT of work-- we still don't have running water:-)-- however, no more excuses, Holy Spirit told me to write and I'll be catching up on many missed posts over the next week. Without further ado, here we go!
----------------------------

Then he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts (Zechariah 4:6 NASB).

So many, many times I tried in my own strength, in my own power; only to fail again and again.

Do you ever notice in Christian circles how we quote half of a verse? We also take verses out of context. But, many times the other half of the verse is pretty important!

I think I have heard, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak,” over 100 times. Do you think repeating that ½ verse is helpful to your walk with the Lord? I don’t. I think it’s pretty depressing. To me, it means your spirit wants communion with God, but alas, your flesh can’t make it happen.

Jesus is always more encouraging than that. Matthew 26: 41 says, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Watch and pray! Watch and pray! Jesus is inferring that if we watch and pray, He gives us the power to OVERCOME weak flesh. It’s only by us aligning ourselves with Him, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that we are able to withstand the temptations of our flesh.

I just met a 19 year old that is sold out for Jesus. He led us and some other families in worship and I couldn’t help but think, “Wow! I wish I was in this place at 19.” We have the saying, “The sky is the limit,” however, with our wondrous heavenly Father, the sky isn’t even the limit. This 19 year doesn’t have a limit! Oh, what God can do with a humble, willing heart!

When I was 19, I had gone down the road of satisfying my own sinful desires that had grown and grown. That’s what sin does. If you make those poor decisions, if you don’t watch and pray, it always leads to death… one step at a time. It’s like you’re slowly digging your own grave!

I’m getting ahead of the story, but next, I’ll be sharing about a glimmer of hope during the later part of high school. We’ll also be looking at a sovereign Father showing me what a Godly woman actually looked like. Stay tuned!

My apologies for missing Tuesday! We have been meeting with four other families and some locals in Staunton, VA to pray and seek God's face for the future. God is doing a new thing!! We will be telling more about this story soon, but please pray with us through Wednesday next week when we'll be traveling to Washington, D.C. Here is part 6!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Hitting high school in the mid-nineties kept me from easy access to pornography via the internet. However, the TV could be almost as bad. I prided myself as being one of the only kids in my class who didn’t party on the weekends. On Saturday nights, I would go to the school gym and play volleyball with all ages from the community.

But, the devil had gotten a foothold. You see, while others were out drinking and doing other dumb things, I was watching movies that were bringing sexual images into my mind. Sometimes I remember even hitting record on the VCR and going to bed. The late night shows were even worse, or at that time in my life, I thought better!

I would use these late-night recordings later to feed the lust in my eyes. I don't remember having much conviction over doing this. I do remember it being secretive and exciting. I knew I didn't want my parents to find out, but I never thought about how it affected a holy God's heart. 

I also remember many of the shows from the 70s through the 90s -- even the ones that were considered "family" shows -- regularly had seductive women in bikinis, men who had all the women attracted to them (James Bond, Face from the A-Team, etc.), and countless other things that polluted a growing young man's mind.

Thankfully, I wasn’t exposed to continual hardcore pornography, but my steps toward spiritual death were continuing down an ugly path. When a person continues taking these steps in succession, it is a slow, and many times unknowing, process toward destruction. Someone doesn’t just decide one day to commit adultery. They arrive at that awful destination one bad decision at a time.

The bible says, "The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! (Matthew 6:22-23)” Although Jesus said this in the context of money, I believe it applies to other lusts as well. In other words, if your eye is feasting on things that feed lust, how can you stay pure?

I think 1 John 2:16 backs this up, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” The lust of the eyes goes all the way back to Eve in the garden. It absolutely applies to both money and sex.

And of course, Paul’s answer to this problem is found in Romans 8:13, “for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.”

Lord, help us to walk by the Spirit! It says, “by the Spirit…” It doesn’t say by your hard work, by your diligence, or by your discipline that you will succeed. You are powerless to change some things in your life without the work of the Holy Spirit. Please go back and read that last sentence again. Seriously. OK, I’m going to type it again: You are powerless to change some things in your life without the work of the Holy Spirit. Think on that for awhile, and we’ll discuss that idea next.